This time in 1995 I was preparing to graduate from Lexington High School and was excited and nervous about heading to Spartanburg to attend Converse College on Full scholarships!! That feeling was sooo undescribable so I won't even try. I have made several wrong turns in my life that have taken me off the path of promise that I know God set me on. But His grace is so sufficient!! You see, God doesn't make promises to take them away from you. Now, if we choose to walk away, that is a different story. When I look back over the past fifteen years I can clearly see him working in my life even when I couldn't see it at that particular moment. For 15 years I have made my husband feel as if he forced me into the decision to stay in Columbia and get married instead of relocating to Spartanburg. The truth is, I was scared. Scared of being abandoned and rejected. Scared of failure. Just scared. I think that all of my wrong decisions were made out of fear. What a waste of time I have spent to figure this one out!! I truly have come full circle!! I have tried many times to go back to college and was never quite happy with my decision. I went to Columbia College for a semester, Midlands tech for a few semesters and was still very unsettled. Fear is a powerful thing!! In January of 2009, while I was already enrolled in Midlands tech in cola, Tony was given the opportunity to relocate to the upstate for his job. I was very extablished and comfortable where I was. I was the Women's Ministry director in the church that I love dearly. My children were established in school and surrounded by the friends and family that were most important in their lives. I really did not want to move to any town with any simblance of Mayberry but God continued to tug at my heart. When I would sit and ponder leaving my very dear sweet friends that were more like family to me I would feel sooo sad and scared. But I still felt that tug. Would I let fear control me once again?
We decided that Tony taking this position would be the best decision for our family and we would begin the relocation process during the summer of 2009. Hahahahaa!! That's what we thought. We began to look at the Spartanburg area since my criteria for a town is: mall, hospital, paved roads, good schools, and city-like enviornment. We immediately found a house that was perfect but wouldn't last long. So.....we jumped and prayed God would catch us. AND HE DID!! This was all in His plan. Everyghing was coming together in a way no human could manipulate....just like my acceptance and scholarships to Converse College in 1995. We made the announcement at church on Sunday march 8th that we sould be moving during the summer and we never went back!! God moved us that week!!! We found a house, packed a house, and were living in Spartanbug Saturday march 14The!! My head was spinning!! I literally had NO time to let fear settle in!! Little did I know that Converse has a program for women over 24 that allows them to finish their degree at a top ranked school for half the price!!! I am now a Junior at the school of my dreams. I am surrounded by amazing friends! I have the best man in the world who supports me and takes care of me no matter how horrible I can be to him!! I have two beautiful, smart, precious children who are the BEST thing I have ever done!!! We attend a wonderful church where I am now about to be a leader in....you guessed it...Women's Ministries!!!! And did i mention that I am majoring in Special Education? Me? Never in a million years would I think I would choose this path. But the truth is, I didn't!! God gave me the biggest gift and miracle when he gave me Austin who only weighed 1 lb 10 oz at birth. Through this journey I have become very passionate about advocating for children who have different learning needs!!! God sure has brought me full circle and he is the God of second chances. I stand in awe at the mercies he's shown me and the path that he has created in my life. We are looking into private christian school for our children and Tony is about to lead a small group at church. This "transition season" we've been in for over a year is finally over and God is showing himself!! This is what's going on in our lives and I would LOVE to hear what God is doing in yours!!!!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Soo,seriously. This is it?
This is it? Really? Out of all my aspirations in life and all the trials and tribulations I have overcome, my purpose in life comes down to cooking, cleaning, and being a slave? This was not what I signed up for!! Stop the bus, I wanna get off!! Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I have a great husband who provides for his family and two wonderful children. But somewhere in the midst of things I have lost "me." I have listened to all the negative things spoken over me and sometimes spoken negative things over myself. It just feels like I am continually having to "read minds" to know what is expected of me. I have finally come to the conclusion that EVERYTHING is expected of me. Let me just take a moment to name a few:
Full-time Mom which includes pregnancy, childbirth, raging hormones, loss of any sort of metabolism, night time feedings, diaper changes, constant supervision of children, keeping them alive and from killing each other, their homework, their boo boos, their attitudes, school projects that secretly are meant for parents, friendship drama, and defiance! Take them to school, pick them up from school... (I know I left out sooo much)
Full-time wife which includes telling your husband what he wants to hear even when it's not true, listening to the long stories about his day--each and everyday--even though they are the same, never talking about yourself and your feelings, putting him first, being ready and willing at a moments notice, making sure he is happy, clean, fed, and feels loved, and constantly competing with the "American" image of what a woman is and looks like which is soooo non realistic it makes me sick! Honeybun, I wasn't a toothpick when we got married and I don't know what you expect after two kids and the stress of life happens!!
Full-time Student - Attend a full course load of classes, do homework & college projects, many many hours of clinical field work in the elementary school, be successful and maintain a 3.5 GPA
Full-time cook - Cook what each family member wishes to eat at the moment they wish to eat it regardless of waste, what's actually in the pantry, or that it means several different meals at a time. Must cook specifically what they want or I will have a very difficult day of whining and complaining with statements such as your cooking sucks, or you never cook anything good. Keep in mind the things that suck are pot roast, roasted chicken with potatoes, homemade barbecue,...oh yeah, never allowed to cook out of a box!
Full-time maid - If it's my mess, clean it up. If it's not my mess, clean it up. If it's theirs, wash it, pick it up, fold it, sweep it, wipe it down, trip over it before picking it up, beg them to pick it up, try to make them somewhat of normal and civilized human beings that accept their own responsibilities in life (which so far isn't working at all) and do all of this all by myself because I am the "woman" or "mom" depending on who's speaking!
I could go on and on but I will not. I have discovered the problem with my life. I have not lived up to the expectations placed upon me. I might have had a chance if i was included in the expectation making or even given a little insight about what they may be before being thrown into the job. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. But I do not claim to be or never have claimed to be Superwoman!! I couldn't fit into that cute little leotard if my life depended on it!! I am perfectly happy just being me and I am just a little tired of constantly being told that who I am isn't good enough. So, obviously, I do not fulfill these expectations. It mentions no where in this blog that I actually do all of this stuff but that it is just expected of me. But my kids are happy and ALIVE, food is cooked for my family even though I don't have a job to purchase it, there aren't wild things growing out of my home from filth although it could use some spiffy-ing up!! And I am staying on task with my friendships as well as my school work and my kids are passing their grades, for the most part!! :) I want so much more out of life than what people expect from me. All of these things are great but I want to leave an impact on the world!! When I am dead and gone I pray that people don't sit back and say "her house was a mess" or "she was a fat, ugly, useless waste of space." I truly want to leave a real impact on the world I leave behind. So forgive me if I let your words and expectations just roll off my back, I'm just too busy being me.
Full-time Mom which includes pregnancy, childbirth, raging hormones, loss of any sort of metabolism, night time feedings, diaper changes, constant supervision of children, keeping them alive and from killing each other, their homework, their boo boos, their attitudes, school projects that secretly are meant for parents, friendship drama, and defiance! Take them to school, pick them up from school... (I know I left out sooo much)
Full-time wife which includes telling your husband what he wants to hear even when it's not true, listening to the long stories about his day--each and everyday--even though they are the same, never talking about yourself and your feelings, putting him first, being ready and willing at a moments notice, making sure he is happy, clean, fed, and feels loved, and constantly competing with the "American" image of what a woman is and looks like which is soooo non realistic it makes me sick! Honeybun, I wasn't a toothpick when we got married and I don't know what you expect after two kids and the stress of life happens!!
Full-time Student - Attend a full course load of classes, do homework & college projects, many many hours of clinical field work in the elementary school, be successful and maintain a 3.5 GPA
Full-time cook - Cook what each family member wishes to eat at the moment they wish to eat it regardless of waste, what's actually in the pantry, or that it means several different meals at a time. Must cook specifically what they want or I will have a very difficult day of whining and complaining with statements such as your cooking sucks, or you never cook anything good. Keep in mind the things that suck are pot roast, roasted chicken with potatoes, homemade barbecue,...oh yeah, never allowed to cook out of a box!
Full-time maid - If it's my mess, clean it up. If it's not my mess, clean it up. If it's theirs, wash it, pick it up, fold it, sweep it, wipe it down, trip over it before picking it up, beg them to pick it up, try to make them somewhat of normal and civilized human beings that accept their own responsibilities in life (which so far isn't working at all) and do all of this all by myself because I am the "woman" or "mom" depending on who's speaking!
I could go on and on but I will not. I have discovered the problem with my life. I have not lived up to the expectations placed upon me. I might have had a chance if i was included in the expectation making or even given a little insight about what they may be before being thrown into the job. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. But I do not claim to be or never have claimed to be Superwoman!! I couldn't fit into that cute little leotard if my life depended on it!! I am perfectly happy just being me and I am just a little tired of constantly being told that who I am isn't good enough. So, obviously, I do not fulfill these expectations. It mentions no where in this blog that I actually do all of this stuff but that it is just expected of me. But my kids are happy and ALIVE, food is cooked for my family even though I don't have a job to purchase it, there aren't wild things growing out of my home from filth although it could use some spiffy-ing up!! And I am staying on task with my friendships as well as my school work and my kids are passing their grades, for the most part!! :) I want so much more out of life than what people expect from me. All of these things are great but I want to leave an impact on the world!! When I am dead and gone I pray that people don't sit back and say "her house was a mess" or "she was a fat, ugly, useless waste of space." I truly want to leave a real impact on the world I leave behind. So forgive me if I let your words and expectations just roll off my back, I'm just too busy being me.
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